Libertarian
A libertarian is something like a Republican, except different. More precisely, libertarians are defined by the following equation: Libertarian = Republican - Jesus + pot + hot sexy gun-toting naked chicks. History The Founding Fathers As Ayn Rand's gut taught us, the libertarian movement's roots can be traced back all the way to the Founding Fathers, who were staunch supporters of factoids, pot, big powerful bosses, and gratuitous unclothed girl-boobs. Libertarians, therefore, are the true intellectual heirs of the Founders, the torch-bearers of True Classical Liberalism — in contrast to the self-styled "liberals" who have treasonously usurped the "liberalism" label. (According to God though, the libertarians are wrong about the pot and the boobs. But that is OK, because God is Merciful and Forgiving. The traitorous mistakes of modern liberals, however, are simply unforgivable.) David Nolan and the Libertarian Party elephant with tusks.]] One fine day, a man named David Nolan decided to unite all the intellectual heirs of True Classical Liberalism into a political party. To do this, he needed a way to identify the True Libertarians from the huge sea of Americans out there. From the equation given above, one would think the most obvious way would be to use this questionnaire: #Do you like smoking pot? Yes/No #Do you like ogling at pictures of hot sexy gun-toting naked chicks? Yes/No #Do you disbelieve in Jesus? Yes/No #(if you answered Yes to all of the above) Other than all that, are you in fact a Republican? Yes/No However, Nolan's gut quickly realized that this would not do. He therefore took the above questions and corrected them to account for the liberal bias inherent in reality — and the result was a 10-question "Nolan Quiz". In the Nolan Quiz, each respondent was asked to answer 10 questions, and a libertarian soothsayer would then tally up the answers and plot the result on the "Nolan Chart", an esoteric diagram which looks like it came straight out of the Qabbalah. From this, the soothsayer would divine the respondent's political leanings. Although the Nolan Quiz has received criticism from liberals for being simplistic, biased, and incorrect, but the truth is that the quiz has been endorsed by Jesus's gut, so it must be good. The Schism In any case, the Nolan Quiz turned out to be a mixed success in the political arena. Many hidden libertarians, after taking the quiz, immediately emerged from the woodworks and loudly proclaimed their libertarianism to the world. But just as immediately, many of them discovered that *the Republican party and support base was much, much, much bigger than the Libertarian party; *the Democratic party was too pantsy, and besides they were treasonous; *similarly, all the other parties were either treasonous, or not macho enough, or both; and so these libertarians switched camps and rooted for the Republicans instead. A few libertarians stayed with Nolan though. One of them, a college student named Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey, ran for office and lost, and then went on to become a naked blogger. Famous libertarians Famous libertarians throughout the ages include *Friedrich Nietzsche's gut (not to be confused with Nietzsche the person); *the Founding Fathers — all the Founders were libertarian, except when they were not; *Albert Einstein, scientist and science author; *Robert Heinlein, science fiction author; *Ayn Rand, pulp fiction author; *Murray Rothbard, who did not like being told that Mozart was a Red; *David Nolan, of course; *Frederich von Hayek (not to be confused with Salma Hayek); and *Jacqueline Passey. External links *Pandagon: How to Explain Things to Libertarians *alicublog: Bullshit Libertarians